What Your Favorite Assassin’s Creed Says About You

Hey gang! This is a goofy idea I had after reading Bruno Dias’ blog on What Your Favorite Monster Hunter Weapon of Choice Says About You.

As a disclaimer, I wrote these while recovering from an appendectomy. My mind was in a painkiller-induced haze for most of it. Even during the editing pass I couldn’t fully remember writing some of them. I think the delirium made it funnier, though.

Assassin’s Creed: This is the only Assassin’s Creed game you’ve ever played.

Assassin’s Creed II: You think this is where the franchise but also video games in general peaked.

Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood: You play a lot of management sims.

Assassin’s Creed: Revelations: You have a hard time letting go of the past.

Assassin’s Creed III: Your other favorite games include Horizon Zero Dawn or Animal Crossing. You were into homesteading before it became something for weirdo conservatives.

Assassin’s Creed III: Liberation: You (correctly) believe that the PlayStation Vita is the best portable console ever made.

Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag: Pirates of the Caribbean is a foundational movie for you and your spirit of choice is rum.

Assassin’s Creed Rogue: You love being a contrarian and playing Devil’s Advocate.

Assassin’s Creed Unity: You bought and played this at least two years after release.

Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag — Freedom Cry: You understand the transatlantic slave trade a lot better than this game’s developers but it was still a cathartic playthrough.

Assassin’s Creed Syndicate: Peaky Blinders is your favorite TV show and you would wear a flatcap with every outfit if you could.

Assassin’s Creed Origins: You are a Soulslike addict and bought this because you already 100%ed Dark Souls 3 hoping it would tide you over until Elden Ring.

Assassin’s Creed Odyssey: You are gay.

Assassin’s Creed Valhalla: You own every version of Miracle of Sound’s “Valhalla Calling” because it is your favorite song of all time.

Assassin’s Creed Mirage: You bought it because it was supposed to be like the old ones.

Assassin’s Creed Shadows: You are actually good at stealth games, so the Yasuke bits are your least favorite.

Assassin’s Creed Black Flag Resynced: You thought the Abstergo Entertainment bits of the original were bad (this means you are a coward).

Any of the 2D ones: You are a weird freak (complimentary) and I love that for you.

The movie: You do not exist.